Usually, we hurt the people we love the most. When we seek to make amends we are clearing our side of the street, and accepting the role we played in forming the resentment, guilt, embarrassment or shame we feel for the things we have done to others. It doesn't always go smoothly. Especially not when you've done terrible things. When you have hurt someone you love deeply it can be hard to accept that they may not want you in their lives anymore. It is understandable that they move on, but there are types of loves in my life that I have not been able to let go, while others seem to fade away so easily over time and distance. There are many types of fear and some, like the fear that keeps you from stepping off the curb without looking both ways, are healthy. That being said, I believe most fears are what keep us imprisoned in our comfort zones, not taking chances and repeating the same negative behaviors that separate us from happiness. I am afraid to love someone that I have hurt, or that has hurt me, the same way I am afraid to play a show without being drunk or high. I've never faced it before. I've always run from that fear. Places like Anderson Prairie Park, a 25 acre wildlife park that features remnants of the original Tall Grass Prairie of Illinois (which is also the last place I shot dope), serve as a reminder that my fears can be irrational. I still feel a strong connection to the Earth when I'm there. I love the prairie, but now I get to appreciate and enjoy it in a way I never have before. The love I fear giving someone whom I've hurt, or been hurt by, once given, could be the most satisfying and beautiful experience I was afraid to have. I will take that chance, and probably regret the time I wasted making up my mind to do it. For better or worse, we usually do end up waiting for the things that are worth waiting for.

Je te aime. Je te ai toujours aimé. Je vous aimerai toujours.